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my responsibility

Hi everyone.
calm down calm down...all of you guyz are stressin over midterms...take it easy...do ya see me stressin' hah no...ok maybe b/c of what you guys say, but hey I'm naturally gifted in academia...yeah inside I am truly a nerd and yes I used to have those owlish looking glasses and studying was my life when I was under my parents' roof, but I found out that after Ray unni's death that there is so much more to live for than doing well in school. I know that I don't have to try as hard as some people, but I know if you stress it is not gonna help. Newayz, we plan to go snowboarding/skiing this weekend and I am posting this for estar so she can continue her studying. Mike and I will come down together and we can take some people up. If we nned more cars and drivers I will bring my car and mike will bring his so we can fit everyone in who needs a ride. I think there will be enough room cuz estar taking her car...so that's like 3 cars going up including mine. If u need my car let me know. Oh I have a phone call...will write more later.
luv u all


Thanx everyone, for your b-day wishes and all. I was so happi to c u'all there. I didn't know I had so many friends who cared about my b-day. Estar and Mike can't believe how u pulled it off. I had a great time and am still reeling from how awesome the party was. The most greatest thing is that I am engaged since Christmas and am getting married in the summer. June....ppl mark it on your calendars...if u don't I will personally kill u. Mike and I decided to have our wedding in St. Maarten...and so ppl plz save up ur money to come and for those who will have some finance trouble in coming ... mike n I will foot part of your bill cuz we sooo want you to come. and yes estar and cole u guyz will just have to postpone ur european trip when will I ever get married again?!!! Mike and I are in it for life. I hope that everyone will come. Mike and I decided why stall the inevitable. There is no doubt that we will get married and have a houseful of kids. School is hectic, but nothing I can't handle...the maths and sciences seems like mickey mouse courses...I never study for it b/c it's a waste of time for me. It's too easy and if you know and memorize the formulas...that's it. Well I ace my courses so usually it's the marks that count. I think my mom and dad are trying to be parents. they have been calling me nonstop so I changed my number and got it unlisted. I sent them the money I made in Korea so i will no longer owe them anything anymore. I finished my promise to myself that I will pay them back every red cent I ever took from them so I would never have to acknowledge that they did anything for me. The only thing i miss the most is that Ray unni couldn't do the same. And at times like these I wish she could be here for my wedding...gosh I miss you unni. Hey Ray unni I can say it now, but I have finally learnt how to forgive u, but becuz I couldn't do it for a long time that doesn't mean I stopped loving u. Hey I'm getting married!!!!!!! well here's a little note and how come our LJ is so abused...nobody has written in this for a long long time has everyone been brainwashed into using face book!!!!

winter yay

Happy New Year everyone
I can't believe this vacation has gone by so fast!!!!! I spent almost every waking moment working, with Cole and with friends. Yes I am freakin tired. Christmas was too awesome to describe. Rebs and I spent most of the night wrapping up all the gifts and just talking like old times. I missed her so much when she and mike were in Korea. I'm glad they are back home. It also meant so much to me to finally her Rebs say that she now accepts Cole as the one for me. She said that she had to grudgingly accept and see how happy he makes me and that I don't stop smiling when I'm with him. Awww thanks rebs...your approval means alot. I would like to thank everyone for their thoughtful gifts. Yes I have more than enough things that will keep me on the slopes to go snowboarding. I will be going every free chance I get. Last weekend me and Cole ended up staying there the whole week. We just had too much fun we couldn't get enough. I just wish all of you could have stayed longer, but it was fun with just me and Cole. Unfortunately the kids couldn't come...next time I think I will find a place nearby where pets are allowed.
Rosie my little snow angel is a snow lover like me...when she gets a little older I will have to teach her how to snowboard. I just know she will be a natural. During these winter months I have to admit I am glad to get those heated seat warmers that just warm up your buns whenever you turn ur car's heaters on. Whoever thought of that invention for cars knoew what they were doing. Unfortunately, it only works for the two front seats. Oh well, I'm good with that. I am taking a long break from work. It was crazy and I worked like so much overtime I thought i was gonna go mad.
Times Square was amazing this year even though it was so cold. I felt like staying home, but New year's eve is not new year's eve unless u r freezing ur butts off and kissing ur hunni with lips that are so frozen that you don't feel anything at first. hahahhahahaha after that we are all ready to leave and find someplace warm. Thank goodness Cole drove that day I was too tired to do anything and the traffic yuck yuck. Of course we al went to eat that is what we do best, but instead of staying there we opted to just order a whole bunch of stuff and haul it back to my house and eat and laugh and talk in the comfort of our home. So the 10 of us had a huge feast full of fun and laughter.
I am not looking to the upcoming semester...I am not done partying yet and it will be getting busy again very soon. As of yet I haven't got a cold, but ppl around me are starting to get sick and I am the grouchiest when I get sick. hahahaha I really am!!!!!!
Well I have to go and do some housework yuck will write more later love you all

sad isn't it?

Hi everyone,
It is time for an update isn't it? I am so bone tired and work is gonna be the death of me. I am so disappointed in humanity in general. I have heard things that make me mad, things that make me sad, things that make me happi and things that makes me confused. I believe that if someone cares so deeply for you they should try and understand you the best that they can and that they put your cares and needs before their own. That is how I care for Cole and vice versa, but is that not so in all relationship. Sure there is alot of give and take, but there is alot of receiving and understanding. For example, used by permissionfrom Ash cuz this is who I iam referring to. She has a wonderful bf very attentive, loves Rosie ( who wouldn't), but doesn't understand that Ash doesn't want to get pregnant again right after they get married. He wants her to have his kid and work at having one as soon as they are married. ASh knows how hard it has been having and taking care of a baby on her own and she thinks her bf is only looking an the fairy tale side of it and I have to agree. Ash went thru so much and she just wants to have some time to feel like a woman and just be a wife whom the husband can't get enough of. She loves Rosie to death and would never trade her for anything in the world, but even a mom needs love and needs the love of a man. I understand Ash so well. Some time I don't want to share Cole with any one else. I want to know and feel that he loves me utterly and completely and that I am his world and he is mine. I wnat to have intimate moments with him even when we have kids. Have our own couple time as man and wife. Even rebs n mike get away from the gang to just spend time with each other as a man who loves his woman and as a woman who loves her man and not just rebs n mike, but more like him and her. Are you ppl understanding me or am I talking in circles? I think I would wait to have kids too just so I can have my time with cole before everything starts centering on the kids. Now whatA we don't understand is why he Ash's bf doesn't get it. It was kinda sad when Rosie came over to me today and asked me a question that made me cry. She said estar e-mo I know I'm not Matthew's real child, but do u think he can pretend that I am and if he can't do you think God my father in heaven will let me go there and be his angel? I don't mamma to cry anymore and be all alone becuz of me." Rosie is really perceptive for her age and she is a serious child. I told her you know Rosie if you go to heaven u can't come back and see everyone...she said she knew and would do it for her mom. HOw can anyone keep a dry eye after hearing that. I told her not to think that way and her mom would be even sadder if she left to be one of God's angels. Even when I told Rebs what Rosie said to me she was bawling over the phone. I'm not allowed to tell Ash becuz Rosie swore me to secrecy, but I am gonna fight for this little angel and let Ash know so she can do some damage control and fix the way Rosie is thinking. Well if anyone have any good ideas how I should hancle this give me some feedback. Thanks in advance. email me or respond to this.
well on to more stuff. I worked til 7 today and babysat Rosie til 11. I am looking forward til the end of saturday so I can rest again. The torture will start on MOnday again, but I am making alot of money to help pay for extras for schooling and saving for our annual spring break getaway. This time I am looking forward going to Barbados and travel to all the other close by places. I am really lucky to be able to travel to alot of different places. During the summer me and cole will be going on a european vacation and also backpacking thru europe as we go. My mom is a little bit worried that we are going on trips together just the tow of us, but I told her to trust me and that I haven't given her a reason not to trust me, but with nervousness in her heart she is letting me go. Yaaaay!!! After Europe we will fly to Korea and then come back just in time for school. I wanted to take Cole to AFrica to meet all my friends there and the ppl I grew to love, but i don't think we will have time. I sent the missionary who I trust there some money to help and to give some to the mother who I grew close to after her daughter had died. She is doing better and well. I have an early day tomorrow so I will have to end this, but really ppl give me some advice bout Rosie and all.

btw Have yourself ad merry little Christmas... may your days be bright
cuz the eastern star is shing for you all.
love estar

too wonderful

Hi ppl
itz been too wonderful to have Rebs n Mike oppa back here and home again. Spending Thanksgiving with them wuz a dream come true. I had been missing them so much and I think it is just what the doctor ordered...close friends and my close sister here with me. Right now Mike n rebs is stayin with me until the holidays are over and when they have to get back to their studies. They go to their apartment every weekend to add their own touches, but they loved our paint job and the things we put in it. Rebs actually cried becuz she was so touched. I am finally done with all my exams and am looking forward to my break. I am gonna finally get a chance to go to the slopes earlier than I thought. Snowboarding here I come. Rebs promised that she will try it if I teach her. Mike though is sticking with Alpine cuz he loves it sooooo much. Cole like me is a boarder...we both used to be skiers, but we fell in love with boarding when we first tried it. The rush is awesome. I am counting the days til Cole comes back. It seemed like ages since I saw him on Thanksgiving. His hug and his kiss just reassured me he is the one that I have waited for. I still have tingles when he holds me and it has been like 2 years now and he still makes me feel all gooey inside. He is true, honest and the most trustworthy man I have ever met. I think that is why I am so secure in my relatiionship cuz he never lies to me, but talks straight from his heart. There has never been a czuse to not believe him. Even Rebs has to admit that he is a straight arrow. I think part of the reason he is like this is because his ex used to play games and lie her way thru things that he detests anything and anyone who is like that. He had a hard time with her becuz of her lies. I can understand how he feels. I don't like fakes and I don't like to play games with emotions. I've been thru both and all i got was burnt in the end. I saw Gracie this past weekend she is really a good mother. Even though Jaycee oppa will not be gettin married at least Jaycee is doing his part paying and visiting his child. I don't think Gracie knows that he is seeing someone seriously. I know she won't be happi becuz I know deep down ... even tho she doesn't act like it or say it she is still deeply in love with and hopes to make a family with him. I mean she is pregnant with his 2nd child. I still can't believe that happened. I mean didn't they learn anything the first time it happened. She told me she is due in January. I think Jaycee oppa regrets what happened and he and this girl hooked up during the summer. I didn't think that one last time would result in another child. I did meet his gf a few weeks ago at the b-day party. Jaycee's gf is pretty cool at least he told her about Gracie and his kid and soon to be kid. She took everything in stride and said she needed some time to think if she could be okay with that and in the end to Jaycee's relief she said she loved him and past is past and the future is what she wants from him. That takes a big hearted woman to say adn do that. I think this is it for Jaycee oppa cuz he is overcome with joy and is consumed by her. I guess little by little we all find our true mates...someone who we know will provide for our every need and fiber of our body.
My brother mideum is out of military school. Hopefully he has learned to etop wheeling and dealing and learned some ethics. My mom tells me he seems different, but she said only time will tell. I don't think i could ever trust him again after that last time where he just kept lying to me. Everythhing is always revealed in the end. He will be my brother, but when it comes to trust he will have to earn it from me again, but i think he will earn it becuz after all this silence he apologized for everything in detail and i couldn't help, but have respect for what he did. It is a hard pill to swallow when owning up to your past mistakes. Well time is ticking and I gotta get some sleep...big and busy day tomorrow.
love u all n sweet dreams
hope you are with ur hunnis

Learning to be Content

Hi everyone!!!
I can say I am a little bit better. I think that all I needed was some TLC,to be with some close friends and to be reassured that we are all still very close. Thanks I love u guys ^^ u r by far the best friends I can ask for. Mike and rebs are coming next week yaaaaay. I am so excited I can't wait to see them it seems like ages since I saw them last. I have done all my midterms and I am so ready to catch up on my zzzzzz's. I gotta admit school is tough, but I love all my classes and my profs...they are the best of the best.
Alot of my friends and I voted in the 2008 election and our good man Obama won. He was the one to win. Usually, I don't vote, but it was a time for change and I wanted to be part of a historical event in the making i.e. the first ever black man becoming president of the United States!!! Who would have thought of that 50 years ago.
Yesterday I talked to Cole and I feel like a real fool though cuz I was crying the whole time talking to him. I think he felt really bad that he couldn't be here for me in my blue mood. I kept saying that I needed him here and I wasn't feeling too happy and so forth and he said he would be here really soon for thanksgiving and all. Now I think it wasn't a good time to talk to him at my state of mind. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy by now. Ahhhh Cole my knight in shining armor, is my champion and always stands by me no matter what he has to go through with me. That is what I've been looking for in my life...my constant...my open arms to run to.
WEll it is time to go back to the books and class....love u all again.
c ya soon
bye eastern star


Hi everyone!!!
Where has everyone gone? Has everyone betrayed me and have sweitched to Facebook. I used to do all those things too like asian ave, my space, cyworld, xanga,etc. but there seemend to be a new one everyday and it was getting too crazy for me so I vowed never to get into the vicious cycle of having thousands of sites under my name. I took a long drive yesterday to the coast and am feeling a little bit better. I think I am a water person cuz I can stare at niagara falls and the ocean for a long time and just be soothed by it. It is my comfort and my refuge. Everyone has their place and i think that is mine. I have this weekend to look forward to becuz I will be meeting some close friends at Kelly's b-day party this weekend...especially Dragon who I miss and who I haven't been able to see in ages. Well i will write more about the party after I have gone to it. I'm sure it will be full of tales. There always seem to be something dramatic going on at her parties...weird but unbelievably true


Hi ppl
it is one of those days and I got the november blues where there is nothing going on good or bad. Need some friendz from the past to reminisce bout good old times. This will be a very short entry cuz i don't really feel like writing either. Today I didn't go to classes cuz I'm studying for this big chem exam which everyone say is a KILLER. Newayz I just feel like crawling under my covers, blasting my music and escape from this world for just a little bit. i have no idea why I feel so "blue" It maybe the weather who knows. My kids are feeling my emotional state too cuz they are just cuddling up with me and being solemn. They are so faithful. Well hope everyone is doing better than me.
love love love esther

gotta read

Hi everyone,
I came upon this poem since I am a collector and I think we have all felt like this one time or another and it is sorta sad, but really awesome...so I wanted to share this poem with you.

Another Lifetime

I still remember it all
the kisses and love I can recall.
I still feel the warmth of your smile
Seeing it come to an end put me in denial
How long has it been since I've seen you last
You will and always will haunt my past
I really do miss you and I always think of you
Sometimes all the time, sometimes that's all that I do
I know for us it's kinda've impossible
But when we were together it seemed plausible
It seems like our love was a lifetime ago
It tore me up more than you may ever know
Maybe another place, another lifetime it would be fine
But fate was against us and we gave up and left it all behind
You still make me smile from the time we've shared
But If you ask me if I still love you, I will lie and say I used to care.
Because I really still love you and I know that I can't let you see
How very much you still mean to me.

~Gabrielle Love~

I can't imagine being that miserable, but I know how you can love someone and know that it is impossible for that love to happen because it is dangerous for yourself to let that love grow. I know that for me I have not faced anything or anybody who have left this kind of impact on me and I hope I will never have something like that in my future. In many ways it makes me appreciate Cole more and more. He is my constant, he is the one. Whenever I come home I know that he will have left me a message or an email to show that he still cares and loves me and is thinking of me. Then he will send cyber hugs and kisses which will last me for the rest of the day...until I see him again. I knew ever since high-school I wanted to find what rebs found...the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I always hated the dating scene and dating a person who I knew would not be a potential future mate. I always wanted serious relationships and I guess in some ways I was too intense. I guess God just wanted me to wait for His time and now he has given me Cole ^^ so happy :) :) :) so in love <3

I hope you all enjoyed this!!! it is supposed to make you be thankful for the hunni that all of us have in your life at the moment.

love always estar

The weekend

Hi everyone,
Oh i can't believe the weekend is here and I don't really have to do anything...I have read ahead a few chapters and have done all my labs for this week so i will just pamper myself this weekend and just rest. Of course I am not completely free cuz I have papers to do a month from now, but I will do just a little bit and plow thru the rest later on. These due dates have a sneaky way of neaking up on you when least suspected. I am home and it felt so good to get up a little later than usual. I had to cuddle polaris and ariong on my bed so they wouldn't keep whimpering to go out. Thankfully, they slept a bit more with me. They know if they push me I will give in, but the kids were extremely good today. I don't understand why I am so tired. I couldn't evn get up when I started to hear ppl moving around. The place seems so quiet cuz I think all my sisters have class today. I can't believe how cold it is getting out there. I had to wear my running pants today and some gloves. I look so bad in the morning and when I'm running expecially cuz I don't do anything with my face. Just pull on my clothes and run. yeah they call Eerie Esther. I am going to go to a frat-sor party tonight. I really like this particular frat cuz there is more fun and games that are organized than more booze and drugs. But for all parties beer has to be overflowing or it is considered a bust. The brothers here are cool too. They are like big teddy bears some of them---y'all know what I mean---MARSHMALLOW HEARTS--- softies all of u!!!! You know whenever I see Jess unni I always remember Ray unni because the 2 of them were very close and BFFL. I remember the time Ray unni got really mad at Jess unni and really lit into her because she let her jerk of a bf then, give her a bruise and a black eye. It was really scary, but now she is so happi and I think sometimes Jess wishes she could show Ray unni her new bf who is awesome and amazing and misses all the things they were gonna do together like double marriages, make their children play togehter some of the things me and Rebs talk about. I can't imagine how it would feel like without rebs in my life. It made me think that life and our souls are so vulnerable and we need to make sure we take care of it cuz it is so breakable. I think ray unni's spirit was broken and she didn't know how to take care of it or fix it, and if anything she would take care of rebs even if it killed her. You did something wonderful for her unni.
thanks for keeping rebs safe
well ppl g2g getting hungry hehehe
I'm gonna get fat
esther 5'10 now hope I stop growing



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